I Amuse Myself.

Editors Note: With the return of RSR and a recent post we made, an old friend - with the nom-de-net of 'C-Mortar,' - has surfaced again. And since he claims to possess some images which your Dear Editor would rather not have made public, RSR has been blackmailed agreed to publish C-Mortar's latest Monty Python spoof. So, with props to John Cleese, Michael Palin, and a dead parrot, we present...



THE DUD CANDIDATE SKETCH


By: C-Mortar


Cast:
DEMOCRAT ACTIVIST
MAN-BOY CLERK


Setting:
Small store with sustainably designed sales counter and a ‘Democratic National Committee Candidate Shop’ sign on the wall behind the counter. Clerk behind the counter in horn-rimmed glasses and a plaid onesie, looking at an iPad and sipping a large cup of cocoa.


The Sketch:
Activist enters the candidate shop carrying a gilded metal cage with a vertical wooden poll in the middle, and a doll dressed in a pants-suit lying on the bottom of the cage.

ACTIVIST: Hello. I wish to register a complaint.

Clerk ignores activist.

ACTIVIST: Hello, Miss?

CLERK: What do you mean "miss"?

ACTIVIST: I'm sorry, you look like Rachel Maddow. I wish to make a complaint!

CLERK: We're closing for lunch.

ACTIVIST: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this candidate that I supported not half an hour ago in this very boutique.

CLERK: Oh yes, um, uh, Hillary Clinton. What's, uh… What's wrong with her?

ACTIVIST: I'll tell you what's wrong with her, my lad. She’s a dud, that's what's wrong with her!

CLERK: Oh, no. She's uh… she's listening.

ACTIVIST: Look, snowflake, I know a dud candidate when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

CLERK: No no no. She's not a dud. She's… she's listening to the middle-class! Remarkable candidate, Hillary Clinton. Beautiful pants-suit!

ACTIVIST: The pants-suit doesn’t enter into it. She’s a complete dud.

CLERK: Nononono, no, no no! She’s listening!

ACTIVIST: All right then, if she's listening, I'll get her attention! (shouts at cage) Hello! Hillary! Hillary Clinton!! I've got a lovely speaking fee for you!...

CLERK: (Clerk hits cage with rolled-up Washington Post) There, she moved!

ACTIVIST: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the cage with an op-ed!

CLERK: I never!!

ACTIVIST: Yes, you did!

CLERK: I never, never did anything...

ACTIVIST: (yells and repeatedly hits cage) HELLO HILLARY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your three AM wake-up call!! (Takes doll out of cage, hits doll several times with a subpoena. Throws lamp at the doll.) Now that's what I call a dud candidate.

CLERK: No, no. No, she's stunned! You gave her a concussion!

ACTIVIST: A CONCUSSION?!?

CLERK: Yeah! You stunned her just as he was surging in the polls! Hillary stuns easily, you know.

ACTIVIST: Um... now look... now look, comrade, I've definitely had enough of this. This candidate is a complete dud, and when I offered my support not half an hour ago, you assured me that her total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged period of international travel and Republican attacks.

CLERK: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably just hiding from Serbian snipers.

ACTIVIST: HIDING FROM SERBIAN SNIPERS!?!?!?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?? Look, why did she fall from the poll and lie on the floor of the cage the moment I got her home?

CLERK: The Clintons prefer lying! Remarkable candidate for the middle-class, isn’t she? Lovely pants-suit!

ACTIVIST: Look, I took the liberty of examining this candidate when I got her home, and I discovered the only reason that she had been sitting so high up on the poll in the first place is Jimmy Carville had pegged her there.

(pause)

CLERK: Well, of course she was pegged there! If he hadn't pegged her there, she would have nuzzled up to the press, done an issues interview on MSNBC, and… VOOM!

ACTIVIST: "VOOM"?!? Tinker-bell, this candidate wouldn't "voom" if she had two million REAL Twitter followers! She's bloody demised!

CLERK: No no no! She’s hiding from Serbian snipers…

ACTIVIST: She’s not hiding from snipers! She’s hiding from reality! This candidate has ceased to be! Her buzz has expired and she’s going to staged meet-ups! She’s a stiff! Bereft of youth, she is yesterday’s news! If someone hadn’t pegged her on that poll she’d be busy baking cookies in Chappaqua! Her political career is now history! She’s off to give speeches! She’s passed the buck! She let diplomats shuffle off this mortal coil, and her emails have joined the choir invisible! SHE IS AN EX-CANDIDATE!

(pause)

CLERK: Well, I'd better replace her, then. (looks behind counter) Sorry, I've looked around the back of the shop, and uh, we're all out of Clintons. Bill is term limited, and Chelsea is too young.

ACTIVIST: I see. I see, I get the picture.

CLERK: (pause) I’ve… I’ve got a slug.

(pause)

ACTIVIST: Does it talk?

CLERK: Unfortunately, yes.

ACTIVIST: WELL JOE BIDEN IS HARDLY A REPLACEMENT, NOW IS HE!?!?!?!?

CLERK: Um, no, I guess not.

(pause)

ACTIVIST: Well?...

(pause)

CLERK: (excited voice, slams palms on counter) WHAT DIFFERENCE, AT THIS POINT, DOES IT MAKE?!?!?

(long pause)

CLERK: (hushed voice) Do you… do you want to come in the back and I can show you an Elizabeth Warren candidacy?

ACTIVIST: (looks around) Sure. I thought you would never ask.

And Now For Something Completely Different.

No, really. The Norwegian Blue. Lovely plumage.

Yeah, You Rite!

See what 'dey calls weah 'ya live at, dawlin: The Yat Map.

It's Come To This.

If you're a guy who wants to 'marry' another guy, or a girl who wants to 'marry' another girl, or a LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ who wants to 'marry' your Barcalounger, go right ahead. Knock yourself out; it's a free country. But don't ever forget - no matter where you put your winkie or your strap-on - only a man and a woman together can make a baby.

Turkey basters don't count.

Well, This Is The 21st Century, After All.

An UBER driver in Chicago - Chicago! - uses his legally concealed handgun to prevent a mass shooting. This is how a free society should be, dear readers. A man has the freedom to sell his services without government restraint, and has the freedom to defend himself and his neighbors without being labeled a criminal. The more you get government out of people's lives, the more people will take responsibility for themselves. And for others.

This Haircut Kills Socialists.

David Burge, aka The Iowahawk, once again wins the Internet with this little update of a classic:

This land is my land, this land ain't your land
If you don't get off, I'll blow yer head off
I got a shotgun and you ain't got none
This land is private property

If you are not following David on Twitter, your life is not complete.

Dear ESPN...

...Fire. This. Bitch. NOW.



And yes, "bitch" is accurately and properly used in this context.

Well, Damn. An Adult Speaks.

And his name is Will Stack.

A Guide To The Dark Side.

Pat Condell is, as always, refreshingly direct:

Home On The Free Range.

If you live in Maryland and have children... Move. Now.

If an unelected bureaucracy can convict you of a crime without due process, or evidence, or of something that is not even a crime, moving is the only non-violent option you have open.

While parading these busy-body state leeches naked through the streets, to be used as targets for rotten tomatoes, would be a better and more effective solution (and save on the moving costs), the general consensus in the land is we are not at that point. Well, not yet. But it, or worse, is fast approaching. This is America. Not Scotland.

Those Who Cannot Remember The Past...

...Are doomed to vote Democrat. As we remember the ending of the Civil War at Appomattox, and before The Left / Mainstream Media take a victory lap, we need to remember this fact: One of the worst race riots US history occurred not in the South, but in New York City. In 1863.

Life Imitates Art...

...Or, Mary Chase, call your office.

This came from the White House's Facebook page. No, really.

One Is A Six-Foot Figment Of His Own Imagination...

...and the one on the left is a guy in a bunny suit. Named Harvey.

A Modest Proposal.

With the Session upon us, here is something for an enterprising Louisiana Leggie looking to get their name out there.

As we all know, this week our lords neighbors over on The Left / Mainstream Media have taken to their fainting couches because... religious freedom is "UN-AMERICAN!!!!", or something. Their logic goes something like this: A business is "public"; therefore, it has no rights and must do and act as the state says. Since individuals are not forced into opening businesses, they choose to give up any assertion of personal rights they may have when doing business because, businesses are not people - they do not have rights.

Allrighty, then.

Here is the first sentence in Louisiana Revised Statute RS 40:1379.3(O):

"The provisions of Subsection N of this Section shall not limit the right of a property owner, lessee, or other lawful custodian to prohibit or restrict access of those persons possessing a concealed handgun pursuant to a permit issued under this Section."

This allows a business owner, like Starbucks, Target, or your local vegan health food market, to refuse you entry if you happen to be legally carrying a sidearm, based only on their belief that you shouldn't be allowed to exercise a legal right. Which would be, in the words of The Left / Mainstream Media...

. . . D E S C R I M I N A T I O N ! ! !

And we can't have that, now can we? So if some Leggie out there is looking to attract TV cameras and reporters faster than the revision of an Obama economic forecast gets revised, suggest a revision to that sentence. Something like:

"Except for places of public accommodation as defined by Section 201 of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and not otherwise restricted under the provisions of Subsection N of this Section, the provisions of Subsection N of this Section shall not limit the right of a property owner, lessee, or other lawful custodian to prohibit or restrict access of those persons possessing a concealed handgun pursuant to a permit issued under this Section."

Today's Required Reading.

Ed Driscoll, as usual, hits one out of the park.

And a rather sobering piece at Townhall.com about a very possible future. Money quote:

Liberals think this free society just sort of happened, that they can poke and tear at its fabric and things will just go on as before. But they won’t. So at the end of the day, if you want a society governed by the rule of force, you better pray that you’re on the side with the guns and those who know how to use them.

Um, No.

If this is supposed to make me more likely to vote for Jeff Landry this fall, well... it won't.

Rick Santorum? Seriously?? What's next? Endorsements from Senator Tony Perkins or Senator Rob Maness?

It's Tinfoil TIme!

Oh, my. Leonard Nimoy isn't really dead, and he beat out the Pope and the Queen of England to become head of the Illuminati.

I love conspiracy theories. I really do. Not for their actual content, mind you, but for their comedy value. I often imagine Alex Jones, Ron Paul and the like sitting in a room with some pens, paper, and couple of bottles of Cuervo, thinking up another story to see how stupid people really are. I mean, this stuff is comedy gold. I think I would have had a bright future in conspiracy comedy had I known it was a career option.

And for my Brothers, Masonry and Albert Pike make an appearance.

Lois Gets A Pass.

I'm Shocked. Shocked!

OK, not really.

She may have, y'know, broken the law, but she did it for the right reasons. And besides, nobody really cares if it hurt some anti-government, teabadgger, Christianists in flyover-country. It wasn't like they wanted someone to bake them a wedding cake....

I'm Back, and... Geez, This Place Needs A Cleaning!

Old links, old posts, old format. I got some work to do.

I'm Back....

Fuck Facebook. RSR is back!
And on April Fool's - My feast day, no doubt.