"Hey, Craig Fugate!"

"Now that you've run FEMA, one of the most incompetent and bureaucratically inept branches of the Federal government that has consistently screwed Louisiana since August 2005, what are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to be Secretary of Homeland Security!"

Not if David Vitter (D-LA) has anything to say about it.

Only in Washington, DC, can the Peter Principle be exceeded.

I'm Shocked. Shocked!

OK, Not really:

From Maine to Oregon, local floodplain managers say FEMA’s recent flood maps — which dictate the premiums that 5.5 million Americans pay for flood insurance — have often been built using outdated, inaccurate data. Homeowners, in turn, have to bear the cost of fixing FEMA’s mistakes.

“It’s been a mess,” Darling said. “It’s been a headache for a lot of people.”

Joseph Young, Maine’s floodplain mapping coordinator, said his office gets calls “almost on a daily basis” from homeowners who say they’ve been mapped in high-risk flood areas in error. More often than not, he said, their complaints have merit. “There’s a lot of people who have a new map that’s unreliable,” he said.

We're having similar issues here in Louisiana. But hey, it's FEMA. Like you expected competence?

We Could Have Told You That, Say, Seven Years Ago.

The good folks in New Jersey found out how helpful FEMA is in a disaster.  Answer:  Not very. 

I've been saying this for years.  In a disaster, FEMA is useless.  Often less than useless, and I speak from first-hand knowledge here, dear readers.   FEMA should be disbanded.  Period.  In it's place, we should create a civilian emergency response service.  Like the National Guard, but without weapons or police powers.  Each State would control their own service; but like the National Guard it would be funded by the Federal Government, and could be called to active duty by the State or Feds.

If You're A Slacker With No Ambition, Uncle Sam Wants You!

And he will pay you really, really, really well for it. With our money, of course. In the real world, f*#king off all day on Facebook would get you a pink slip. But in Obama's government, it will get you up to $115,000.00 a year. Beats working.

A government job: Produce nothing, collect a check. It you have ever met a FEMA employee/"associate", you know exactly what I mean.

Fiscal Jeopardy.

US: "I'll take 'Common Sense' for $50 billion, Alex."

ALEX: "The answer is... 'Yes'."

US: "Is it time to lay off Federal workers, Alex?"

ALEX: "You are correct for $50 billion!"

And when we do, let's start by tossing out the useless deadwood at FEMA and the TSA. Which would be... pretty much all of 'em.

Payback.

Disaster relief, the Chicago Way.

A Personal Note.

I haven't said this in a while, but it bears repeating every now and again:

FEMA sucks.

Plus Four.

Were it not a felony or something, I would commemorate today by kicking a Corps of Engineers levee engineer in the shin, or anyone from FEMA in the ass.

Just sayin.

UPDATE: Mostly Cajun looks back four years, and nails it.

Stuck On Blanco.

Words fail me:

Weeks after Hurricane Katrina slammed New Orleans and worsened the medical plight of the city's poor, then-Gov. Kathleen Blanco said the publicly run Charity Hospital would not reopen, even though the military had scrubbed the building to medical-ready standards, the retired Army general who oversaw the work said.

In a recent interview with The Associated Press, Lt. Gen. Russel Honore said Blanco told him in late September 2005 the 20-story building that served the region's poor residents would not reopen.

"'Ma'am, we got the hospital clean, my people report ... if you want to use it,'" Honore recalled telling Blanco. "Her reply to me: 'Well general, we're not going to open it, we're working on a different plan.'"

Honore's revelation raises questions of whether state officials used Katrina as an excuse to leverage federal financing for a new public hospital.

Regular readers (those of you left -ed.) know that I have NO love for FEMA. But in this case I think FEMA has reason to feel like they are being scammed.

This shows - as if more proof was needed - that Blanco was the worst governor this state has had in many, many years.

Shooting The Wounded.

FEMA may go after a local New Orleans agency for paying "excessive" fees to get rid of debris and do cleanup right after Katrina. Lessee; when the city was in dissarray, most of the population wasn't there, and it's infrastructure was in utter shambles, it costs a bit more to get it done, pinheads.

This is proof, if more was needed, as to why I don't believe in government conspiracy theories. The Federal Government can't seem to conspire to do that they are paid to do in this case - disaster relief and recovery - so how could you believe that they are conspiring to advance the agenda of the Illuminati, or could conspire to provide you with quality, affordable health care?

Putting Lipstick - And A Smile - On The FEMA Pig.

The Federal Eternal Misery Agency is promising, three and one-half years after the Katrina "event", to finally play nice with others:

"We're never going to be an adversary. Now, I'm not going to say we're always going to agree on everything, but ... any hint of my staff or myself being an adversary will not be tolerated. That's in the past," Russell told the board of the Louisiana Recovery Authority, the state's top hurricane recovery agency.

From painful FEMA experience, put me firmly in the "I'll believe it when I see it" category.

Deciding Not To Decide Is Still A Decision, Isn't It?

The Federal Eternal Misery Organization has decided to make a "Decision Team" to "jump-start" languishing Katrina projects. As someone who has been involved with a FEMA languishing project (as in, languishing over two years), I'm not holding my breath.

An Expensive Joke. (UPDATED)

How many FEMA employees does it take to completely fuck up (sorry, there's no other way to put it accurately) our recovery?

This many:

She (Senator Mary Landrieu) said that Louisiana residents would be "shocked" that the New Orleans office employs more than 1,000 people, given its failure to resolve funding disputes that have held up over $1 billion in funding for key infrastructure projects in the region.

More than 1,000 people. Doing what, exactly? Not helping us recover, that's for sure. "Shocked" should be the least of our reactions to this.

Send the carpetbagging leeches home. Now.

UPDATE 27FEB09: Seems the blood is in the water:

Underlying the tension is the sense on the part of state and local officials that FEMA is denying adequate rebuilding money for many projects -- beginning with the rebuilding of Charity Hospital -- because these institutions, according to FEMA, could have done a better job mitigating the storm damage.

"How can you mitigate damage when 80 percent of the city got flooded, it was under water, with looters and crime and people out of their homes and without medical care?" Cao said. "How do you stop to send personnel in order to address roof problems?"

At Wednesday's hearing, Cao asked Stark about those concerns: "Who makes the final (public assistance) decisions, you or Mr. John Connolly?"

Stark replied that he relied on Connolly's judgment.

Noting that Connolly is from Philadelphia, Cao asked: "How many times has Philadelphia ever been hit by a hurricane"

If somebody had asked that question, say, three and a half years ago, I think we'd be in a whole lot better shape than we are now. I hope they put Mr. Connolly on a plane back to Philadelphia, ASAP.

UPDATE 27FEB09 II: The house cleaning has begun.

About Time.

I'll believe it when I see it:

In one of her first moves as U.S Homeland Security secretary, Janet Napolitano has ordered a fresh review of hurricane recovery efforts in the Gulf Coast 3 1/2 years after two killer hurricanes swept ashore.

In testimony prepared for a congressional hearing Wednesday, Napolitano said the Federal Emergency Management Agency will assign a new team of senior staff members to look at ways to improve hurricane recovery operations that have been under way since hurricanes Katrina and Rita in 2005. The Associated Press obtained an advance copy of her testimony.

My suggestion: Fire the current lot of carpetbagging FEMA contractors here, who seem less concerned about our recovery and very concerned about minute compliance with the ever-changing interpretations of the Stafford Act. Then, hire people who are actually qualified in their respective fields, can read, and can make - and take responsibility for - real-world decisions. That would be a good start.

Or, better yet, just go away.

Am I pissed about how FEMA has treated my state? Damn right I am.

And You Were Expecting Anything Else?

In the middle this article about the nasty ice storm that battered Kentucky:

In Kentucky's Grayson County, about 80 miles southwest of Louisville, Emergency Management Director Randell Smith said the 25 National Guardsmen who have responded have no chain saws to clear fallen trees. He said roads are littered with fallen trees and people shivering in bone-chilling cold are in need.

"We've got people out in some areas we haven't even visited yet," Smith said. "We don't even know that they're alive."

Smith said FEMA was still a no-show days after the storm.

It seems FEMA is acting true to form once again. To paraphrase an English king... won't someone rid us of this meddlesome organization?

Wishful Thinking.

I hope this works, but I ain't a'holdin my breath:

In her second week on the job, U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has ordered a comprehensive review of Hurricane Katrina recovery progress, drawing praise from state and local officials who hope the move will increase the flow of federal money for public projects stymied by disputes over damage assessments and mitigation efforts.

"This sends a strong message that she wants to do something different," said Paul Rainwater, executive director of the Louisiana Recovery Authority.

Included in the examination ordered Wednesday are about 1,200 public structures and other projects that state officials describe as "large scale" because the respective applicants are seeking at least $500,000, with a total cost exceeding $3.2 billion.

The projects fall under the Federal Emergency Management Agency's Public Assistance Program, the primary federal disaster relief option for government and nonprofit entities. And many also involve applications under the Hazard Mitigation Grant Program intended to help prevent damage in future storms.

Reforms may come, and reforms may go; but the bureaucratic mentality endures.

Endlessly Stuck On Stupid.

(Big FEMA rant follows. You have been warned.)

My regular readers will recall my being in an utter funk the other day due to yet another FEMA eruption over a project we are designing. And any FEMA eruption in my business means that we must endure yet another FEMA meeting, to "resolve" the issues in question. Well, today we had the requisite meeting with yet another bunch of FEMA folks (they change frequently), and it ended as every other FEMA meeting I've been in has ever ended - with nothing finally resolved.

Nothing can ever be resolved at a FEMA meeting because no FEMA person present seems able to make a decision. All they ever say is they will "look at it," "pass it up the chain," etc.

The new FEMA people at the meeting today said that the understandings our client has obtained from the old FEMA people over the past two years (verbally, of course, as FEMA will never put anything in writing) are now out the window. Their earlier assurances that we would be approved are now "premature" (we were informed the FEMA person who told us we would be approved has been disciplined for it), and what we all understood is allowed - and what is not allowed - by FEMA regulations is "not correct." Why? Because the new FEMA people said there are some "clarifications" to the FEMA regulations no one bothered to let us, or our clients, in on. (They didn't apparently let the old FEMA folks - who were recommending our project - in on them, either.)

And the issues they are spending of tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars and years of time to grouse about, are piddling. A few inches here, a few dozen square feet there. What they want us to do will indeed make the project physically smaller, but will likely, in the end, make it more expensive overall. It will definitely reduce the function and capacity that existed before the levees broke. Though, FEMA doesn't appear to care about cost, or effectiveness, or good design practice, so long as it complies with this week's interpretation of their beloved regulations. (They said as much again today.) Effective use of taxpayer dollars doesn't seem real high on the FEMA to-do list.

So once again, more than three years since the flooding following Katrina, more than two years since we were awarded the project, and two months after the project was originally scheduled to be finished and open to the public, we seem to be back to square one,. My client now has to decide if they want to re-design a less effective project (for the third time, and hope that this FEMA interpretation of FEMA regulations will be there when we finish), or fight for this scheme (with yet another "justification" and 18 months or so delay for appeals). Either way, it will be years before New Orleans sees this project built. And that delay is solely because of FEMA, who appears more interested in our compliance with the minutiae of their ever-changing regulations than in helping us recover.

Cluster F*** II.

FEMA underestimates a disaster and works a blame-the-victim excuse.

Look, when you give a case of MRE's, a case of water, a bag of ice, and a tarp to each car passing through a POD (point of delivery), what did you expect?? During Katrina, my brother lost power and therefore his water well. He had food, but needed ice and water. Each time he went to get water and ice they would always throw in MREs and anything else they were issuing out. If you got in line, what they had was loaded in your trunk. You had no choice.

FEMA used the same mentality after Gustav. A friend needed tarps, but each time they went to their local POD in search of a tarp they got water, ice and MREs, whether they needed it or not. It took them several trips over several days to finally get a tarp.

As far as I am concerned, one Bobby Jindal is worth more in a disaster situation than an army of FEMA "experts." We would be better off it they would pack their carpetbags and go home.

Cluster F***.

Sorry for the spare posting, dear readers, but I have been in a right foul mood all weekend. Even putting some rounds downrange Friday night, and going to Cabela's on Saturday, only brought a temporary respite. Mass on Sunday helped to put things in some perspective, but I was back to supreme foulness this morning once I fired up the office computer. And the reason can be summed up in a single, four letter F-word:

FEMA.

Proving again an earlier post. And why I need blood-pressure medication.

Brownie Time.

In his final news conference yesterday, George Bush passionately defended Federal reaction right after Katrina. In the immediate sense, he was right. Federal first responders - Coast Guard, Navy, Army personnel and aircraft - were here and working quickly. But in the greater sense, he is wrong. What failed at the Federal level was one the one thing that was supposed to work in this case - FEMA. The Agency that exists to deal with helping people in emergencies, but instead puts it's never ending focus on "compliance", "events", "vectors" and "deltas", and keeping their high-paying contractor jobs as long as possible. Some help. For inflicting FEMA on our fair state, Mr. President, you are indeed responsible.

Read the whole thing. Note also the idiot-calling-the-moron-dumb moments where Kathleen "Indecision" Blanco and Ray "What Evacuation Plan" Nagin pass the buck faster than a Countrywide executive at a Chris Dodd fundraiser.