With the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina nearly upon us, we at Red Stick Rant thought it was a good time to reprise a little something our friend, we'll call him "C. Mortar", originally had published in "Red Shtick Magazine" in June 2006. 'Ol C has graciously allowed us to post it here as long as we don't reveal details of his short-lived marriage to Brittany Spears.
According to Mortar, he was asked to write a movie script about New Orleans after Katrina. He based it on Monty Python and the Holy Grail (OK, he utterly ripped it off), but didn't get through more than three scenes before John Cleese found out and threatened to personally "go all Fawlty" on him if he didn't stop. So, with much acknowledgement (and extreme bowing, groveling, and infinite “We’re not worthys!”) to Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin, and John Cleese, here are those first three scenes from:
RAY NAGIN AND BEYOND THE PALE
SCENE ONE – “How’d You Get the Ride?”
[SETTING: Lakeview, near the break in the 17th Street Canal after the waters receded. Homeowners up on their roof nailing down tarps.]
[opening music]
[wind rushing by]
[sound of brakes and car stopping, doors opening, engine shutting down]
[music ends as car horn sounds]
MAYOR C. RAY: [to homeowner] Yo there!
HOMEOWNER #1: Wadda you want?
MAYOR C. RAY: I’m Mayor C. Ray, of the Chocolate City. Leader of the Rebuilding; Criticizer of Governors; Planner of the Future….. The Top Dog in all Orleans Parish!
HOMEOWNER #1: My ass.
MAYOR C. RAY: I am. And this is my trusty assistant Chief Compass. We have driven the length and breadth of this Parish in search of returning homeowners who will support my plans for the future of this city. I must speak with you and your family!
HOMEOWNER #1: What? Driven on these streets?
MAYOR C. RAY: Yes.
HOMEOWNER #1: In a Cadillac?
MAYOR C. RAY: What?
HOMEOWNER #1: You just got out of a Cadillac!
MAYOR C. RAY: So? It is an Escalade. We have driven since the flood waters first receded; through Gentilly, through……
HOMEOWNER #1: Where’d you get the Cadillac?
MAYOR C. RAY: Um, the Chief borrowed it. From a dealer.
HOMEOWNER #1: Borrowed it? In Gentilly?
MAYOR C. RAY: What do you mean?
HOMEOWNER #1: Gentilly was under six feet of water, and that Cadillac is brand new!
MAYOR C. RAY: Many resident’s bass boats rose with the waters, and many folks belongings were lifted up by the flooding, so some things survived to be used later.
HOMEOWNER #1: Are you suggesting that Cadillacs float?
MAYOR C. RAY: Not at all. It could have been in a garage.
HOMEOWNER #1: What? There are no Cadillac dealers in Gentilly.
MAYOR C. RAY: It could have been out of the water on a car carrier that was on it’s way to the dealer.
HOMEOWNER #1: It ain't a question of how it stayed out of the water, it’s a question of possible criminal activity. This City doesn’t have the cash to buy stop signs, and yet you’re wizzing around in an expensive ride.
MAYOR C. RAY: It doesn’t matter. Now, will you go and tell your family that Mayor Ray of the Chocolate City is outside?!
HOMEOWNER #1: Listen; if we have to live in a trailer and wait 4 months to get a building permit, then it seems fair to question how you got such a pricey set of wheels.
MAYOR C. RAY: Please!
HOMEOWNER #1: Am I right?
MAYOR C. RAY: I’m not interested!
HOMEOWNER #2: It could have been donated by someone.
HOMEOWNER #1: [to Homeowner #2] Oh, yeah, a donation, maybe; but you don’t just “borrow” something as expensive as that - that’s my point.
HOMEOWNER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
MAYOR C. RAY: Will you and your family support my plans for the future of this city?!?
HOMEOWNER #1: [to Homeowner #2] And why would anyone who’s still here with that kind of a vehicle donate it to the City?
HOMEOWNER #2: Oh, yeah.
HOMEOWNER #1: So it had to be “borrowed” some other way. I don’t like the sound of it.
[sounds of car doors closing]
[sound of engine starting]
HOMEOWNER #2: Wait a minute! What if two people got together to donate it?
HOMEOWNER #1: No, that would be too much paperwork – and there are no Notaries open yet in Orleans Parish.
HOMEOWNER #2: Simple! They could have gone over to a Notary in Jefferson Parish!
HOMEOWNER #1: And registered it with a Metairie address?
HOMEOWNER #2: Well, why not?
[sound of car driving away]
SCENE ENDS
